ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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