Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
