If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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