Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...