I will die if light touches me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
