my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
