dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
