Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
