pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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