matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
