im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
