I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
