Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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