Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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