remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
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I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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