let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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