It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
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Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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