my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
