dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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