Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
