When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
do herpes really smell.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
