you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
