Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
