Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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