In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
