the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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