Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize