How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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