my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
