If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
