Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
