I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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