Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.