Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.