I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party