I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
