everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
