I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
