In the future we'll all be gay
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
whose parrot is this?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
