Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
