I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
