i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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