He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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