you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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