one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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