High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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