got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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