Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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