gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
