i need an iv and a liver transplant
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize