I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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