Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love you. Go after that dick
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
