I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He has the fingertips of a God
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