the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
