I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
