i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
