You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
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Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
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I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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